Lost
by enigmaze
Summary: This begins from the end of the bar fight scene in 503 - Season 5 told from Holly's perspective. Please let me know what you think :)


**Thanks for reading :) **

* * *

"Gail..."

Holly stood dumbfounded as she watched Gail walk out, trying to figure out what the hell just happened as she stared into the space Gail had just occupied. She stayed like that for a time, in limbo, playing it all back in her head, half hoping Gail would reappear, half thinking of going after her herself. She knew neither would happen. Gail had just taken a great big, flying leap out of that proverbial fucking tree and her words had stung; if she chased after her now she would likely run even harder and faster.

Holly felt angry; angry and hurt that Gail could believe for a second that's what she thought of her, of them, not even giving her a chance to explain. She'd never really been on the receiving end of Gail's bite before, not until that moment - her snark sure, but not her bite. Surely Gail knew how she felt about her, how totally smitten she was, how serious she was about them? She had to, didn't she? But then they hadn't actually talked about it, not really, not about what they actually were to each other, what this burgeoning relationship was. Holly was overwhelmed by what she felt for Gail, the strength and intensity of it; it was unlike anything she'd ever felt before. She had been terrified to bring it up for fear of scaring her away. The sense of irony was not lost on her in this moment, sitting heavily upon her heart.

She released the breath she'd unwittingly been holding, a defeated sigh bursting from her lungs, before turning and heading back into the bar. Rachel had returned from the bathroom, giving Holly a sympathetic smile and a gentle squeeze of her arm in reassurance as she reached their table, an all too eager Lisa having filled her in. After a few seconds of pensive silence, Lisa could hold her tongue no longer.

"...well, I mean, I hate to say I told you so but..." Lisa asserted with a shrug, not even looking at Holly as she spoke and taking a nonchalant sip of her drink.

Holly eyes shot up to Lisa with a fierce glare, her jaw set and head tilting forward in warning to not push her any further, not tonight, not after the chaos she had just unleashed. Lisa, though, was not one to heed warnings, such was her need to always have the last word.

"Look, sweetie, I'm sorry, but if she's gonna fly off at the slightest thing you're better off out of it - trust me, she is _not_ worth the hassle." Lisa dismissed.

"Lisa," Rachel firmly warned, her eyes silently urging her to go gentle on their friend right now.

"You know, Lisa, for someone so astute and all knowing, you really need to learn when to shut the fuck up!" Holly fired back, snatching her coat up as she stormed out.

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger!" Lisa quickly called back, but Holly barely heard her as she pushed through the doors and out into the cold night air, the icy chill slicing through her like daggers as her coat remained tightly gripped in her hand. She relished the bitter sensation of it against the heat of anger pulsating through her, continuing to walk at a furious pace until she reached home. She just wanted to be alone right now, to get away from the complications of living people and get some breathing space for her thoughts.

Once home, she pressed her forehead against the back of the door as she closed it, breathing in the relief of shutting the world out, for tonight at least. After a few minutes, she eventually made her way across to the living area, pausing to put some music on before slumping down into the couch, pulling a blanket down around her to cocoon herself. She closed her eyes, resting her head back against the armrest as the exhaustion of the evening's events settled upon her. The dulcet tones of Debussy played out into the room, soothing her soul as she began to lose herself in the music, unburdening her mind and allowing her thoughts to roam freely, the anger gradually subsiding. Classical music was something she had found helpful since her medical studies, whenever her mind had felt so full and burdened by the sheer expanse of knowledge and self-expectation that she became stuck. She had found a solace in the music, able to relieve her stress and unclog her mind, unfettered by words. It had enabled her to step back, see the wood for the trees and process things more clearly again. By the time the familiar melody of Clair de Lune began to play out, Holly found herself thinking back to earlier in the evening, the calm before the storm, when her and Gail had been so wrapped up in each other as they lost themselves in lingering gazes, loving touches and sweet kisses. She yearned for Gail, heart, body and soul, and as her exhaustion won out, she determined that they would resolve this and she would tell Gail how she truly felt, no holds barred. There was no denying it, she was in love; glorious, terrifying love.

* * *

The following morning, Holly came to gradually, a little disorientated from waking on her couch. It was a few seconds before the recollection of the prior night's events seeped back into her consciousness, a frustrated groan escaping from her as it did so, thumping her face back down into the cushion.

That was _not_ how she had wanted the evening to go. She wanted to show Gail off to her closest friends, bring these two important facets of her life together, which had been going great until Lisa decided to open her big mouth. For all the time Holly had know her, Lisa had always unapologetically said whatever she thought, regardless of the situation, and didn't give a shit what anyone else thought of her for it. It was something Holly had admired during their days at medical school, when the three of them had gravitated towards each other as outsiders, none of them ever quite fitting in with the mainstream. By stark contrast to Lisa, Holly had been rather shy and awkward, often going along with others against her own interests just to appease them and avoid conflict. Lisa had shown her how to stand up for herself and say 'fuck it, I don't want to do that', even if it was always to do what Lisa wanted instead. As she thought about it now, Holly realised she should have warned Gail before the whole evening even began. Lisa had never deemed anyone worthy enough for either her or Rachel through the years, always fixated on their status, ambition and earning potential, rather then her friends' actual happiness. So wrapped up in the warmth and joy of Gail's affection, she had been naïve she now realised, believing that Lisa would simply see how happy Gail made her, how perfect they were for each other and be excited for them. In hindsight Holly could see that was never going to happen and she berated herself for her lacking the foresight to guard against it.

When she could put the day off no longer, Holly summoned what little she had in the energy banks and dragged herself off to the shower. In the grand scheme of things, it had just been a small, silly fight but she felt emotionally drained from it all. It had been their first fight, a significant moment in any relationship, but one she was sure they could successfully negotiate and emerge the other side all the stronger for. Combined with her subsequent bust-up with Lisa - an event so rare it had only ever happened once or twice before, with Lisa having way exceeded her friend's generous limit on both occasions - it had left Holly feeling a little emotionally wrecked. She didn't even feel able to lean on her best friend for support, knowing Rachel would be keen to see her two closest friends reconcile as soon as possible, disliking conflict every bit as much as Holly did. She didn't blame her, she knew how awkward it could be stuck in the middle, but she wasn't prepared to deal with Lisa again just yet, not until she had resolved things with Gail. That was her priority, and as the water ran off of her, washing away the mess of last night to start afresh, she felt a renewed sense of determination for the day ahead.


End file.
